A new lover. Friendship forsaken. Back to the rock.

Update on the life for personal posterity.

A sense of vanity seems to pervade the minute documentation of minute lives such as the one presented here before you; day to day routines in search of some higher form of existence, an entrance into the life of the man that should be instead of the man that is.  Not a higher self in an altruistic sense, but a more efficient self.  At this stage, there is no longer pretense of virtue or redemption through the approval of peers, there is instinct, there is belief.  One foot moves forward, the other one then moves in front, one step, two steps, the road is walked upon, a day at a time, yes, that’s how it’s done.

There’s a new lover. Claudia.  She’s too young for me and never stops, always trying to move to the next part or thing, always trying to escape unto the next page or song, afraid of growing old if she starts taking it slower, afraid of missing whatever it is that must not be missed.   I pin her down, arms held at her side, keep it long and slow, deep, strong, grinding; she opens her eyes and there’s submission in them, almost devotion as she parts her lips and holds my gaze.  After, in between, or when we’re getting dressed, she asks questions, she wants to know who I am, she wants to hear about my past, she wants to find a door through which she can step in and learn how to love someone like me.  But she can’t; only Erika found that door, and as far as I know, she kept the key.

There’s also a new enemy. The name will not be written down.  We had been associates and it has to do with money and respect. Unpaid debts, broken trust and disloyalty.  Money, will come and go, it was not the issue of importance at hand.  They all know that, approached in the correct manner, I will always consider a renegotiation of terms to save a friendship, but he made me call  him and search him out after he missed the deadline.  Made me send someone to talk to him.  He tried to keep low, out of sight, thinking I’d let it pass, but even feeling his despair I could not let it pass, not after he had failed to be a man about it.   I listened to the excuses, weighed them all silently, remained unchanged, and then set new dates. His word was accepted, and so was his apology, but the eyes betrayed him and I felt his fear and hate blaming me for his mistakes.  Time will now have to pass, in due time, long after the money is counted and forgotten, he will be made to pay for his disrespect.

The rainy season is over which means its back to the mountains, back to the rock. Yesterday I went to them, placed my hands on the wall, leaned forward and pressed my face against the rock.  I closed my eyes and smiled, it feels good to climb again.

Rift (sketch)

We’re walking. You stop. I keep going, but you’re not following, so I stop and turn around. You’re just standing there, looking at me, not saying anything but you start crying. I let out an exasperated sigh and walk back towards you; I’m starting to feel anger swell up inside. You seem scared of me and turn around to go back, walking fast, not wanting to run, not wanting to fall down. I call out your name, you don’t answer. I catch up to you and try to look into your eyes, try holding your arm, but you keep looking ahead and shrug me off.   I grab your shoulders and turn you towards me, there’s anger in your eyes, and sadness.  I let go.   There’s a rift and we’ll never make it be okay again. I feel sorry but can’t say it, because it wasn’t my fault and I want you to understand that, but you never will.  You don’t love me anymore and it’s as if I’d been liberated of a great weight because now I don’t care.  Let’s just wait, wait forthis day to end, we’re both too tired.  Let’s just try to stop hurting each other. Maybe that’ll be enough, maybe we can at least do that.

Bed Knob

So, what is it? Ah, yes. Size. I remember Erika used wonder about it although she never told me at first.  Then, when we’d spent some time getting to know each other and progressing sexually, she really did take a keen interest for it.  I was her first and it was a long working up process up to the point in which we could finally get it all in.  Good sex ensued for both, much of it I think, stemming from the fact that neither of us actually knew what good sex was.     Anyway, I had a single wooden bed and this bed had a low bedpost, with a rounded (look up bed part) at the top. I’d never thought of it much and if you’d ask me neither had she, but one day we were lying around naked and she got up, stood next to it, looked at me, put one foot on the bed and left the other one on the ground and positioned herself over the (look up bed part) and at first only pressed it against her pussy, then slowly started making little circular movements until she finally began lowering herself unto it.   Yes, really.   She made it nearly ¼ of the way down, looked at me with a mixture of pride and surprise and then got off.  I was ready again. We had another round.   I didn’t know then but that was the beginning of a quest for her.   I think that she wanted and needed to know exactly how much she could take into her. A question was born and an answer for it was needed.

On Dating.

I think both views are correct. It is not, I believe, a dichotomic issue. It’s not only up to every person to do what they feel is right, but to learn and trust her feelings through all the advise or opinions put forth. To make it even more interesting or distressing, one can change with experience and different types of dating and relationships develop in your life. I think you can stop seeing someone when it stops being “fun” but I’ve also found out that that’s when emotional meaningfulness comes forth and starts to grow, it is not the good times that make lasting bonds, it’s the difficult and sad times that consolidate our lives with that of others.

You can date to have fun, gain experience or try to know a person as profoundly as possible to finally just move on, or you can be on standby until whoever meets your expectations comes along, either way, it’s going to take a lot of effort to make things work once the initial jitters are over. Ultimately it’s one’s own capacity to love, live, forgive and contribute in creating a mutual life that will make the difference.

So, I would agree with you, Joan, there are people with whom it’s fun to date, others with whom you feel there could be more of a future (whatever that means to each of us) and others with whom it’s just about the sex and intensity. At the same time though, I agree with M. Kundera when he states that our lives are like musical scores, the more you advance on your own, the harder it will be to combine it harmoniously with that of another person.

At this point in my life I feel grateful towards all the women with whom my path has crossed, many of them have made me a better person and some of them stood by me even after I hurt them, teaching me things I never imagined about what it means to love.

Trios.

Sobre tríos.

Leí esta entrada y me quede pensando.

 

Respondiendo a lo que Joan se pregunta según mis términos y experiencias.     Si, creo que una persona, independientemente de si es mujer u hombre, debería probar un trío alguna vez, si es que quiere, claro.

Hay personas que no lo quieren hacer, que no les llama la atención, y aun si tuviesen la oportunidad no lo harían; y hay otras personas que lo quieren hacer, pero nunca se les presenta la oportunidad.   Debe ser un problema cuando hay una pareja en la que uno de ellos lo quiere probar pero la otra persona no.

Mi experiencia con este tema no es de las más amplias pero hay un par de experiencias y situaciones que tienen que ver con el tema.  De adolescente, me llamaba mucho la atención y sentía curiosidad por saber cómo se sentiría hacerlo con dos mujeres a la vez, las historias leídas y la pornografía de distinta intensidad me llevaban a aproximaciones de lo que sería, un mundo en el que toda mujer atractiva es bisexual en potencia y que una vez que ve a otra mujer desnuda no puede resistir el impulso de besarla y acariciarla, y por supuesto, en dichas circunstancias nada les gustaba más que un adolescente casual como yo se acercara a ellas y se uniera al enredo de piernas, brazos y labios para luego terminar ambas entregándose a mi o haciéndome sexo oral simultáneo.   No había malicia o complicaciones en la pornografía de mi adolescencia.

Luego, cuando tenia 19 años ocurrió algo que técnicamente no cumple los criterios de un trío pero se le parece, fue una especie de cuarteto en el que embriagándonos con un amigo y dos amigas surgió el tema del sexo. Decidimos hacer una competencia en la cual se vería cual de ellas lograba hacer que terminásemos antes.   La mía iba con desventaja porqué yo nunca término rápido y encima estaba con tragos.  Era una sala de familia, la casa de una de ellas, en la sala, no recuerdo donde es que los padres habían viajado, pero ambas, entre risa y comentarios, comenzaron.  Estábamos sentados  en sofás opuestos, yo tenia las botas sobre la mesa de café del centro, y ella hacia lo suyo hasta que escuchamos que su amiga hacia un sonido raro, raro, raro, apoyaba ambas manos sobre las rodillas de mi amigo y vomitaba sobre el.  La verdad es que estábamos demasiado borrachos.  Nos pusimos a reír y allí quedó esa competencia.   Después en la noche tuve sexo primero con una y luego con su amiga mientras mi amigo, irremediablemente borracho, dormía junto a ella en la cama.  Paso y ya.

Luego, cuando tenía 20 años estuve con dos amigas de la facultad. O bueno, una era de la Facultad y había cambiado de carrera, los tres borrachos, decidimos irnos a dormir.  Empecé con una y la otra nos decía cosas como que éramos unos degenerados, y que ya nos pongamos a dormir, íbamos desvistiéndonos, y cuando íbamos a la mitad la comenzamos a desvestir a ella, yo la besaba y ella le quitaba la ropa.  Quedamos los tres desnudos, no recuerdo todo muy bien, pero primero lo hacia con una y luego con la otra, y después de nuevo con la primera, turnándolas. Esa fue la única vez que ocurrió aunque volví a estar con  cada una por separado varias veces.

Tiempo después, ya teniendo tres o más años de relación con Erika, antes de casarnos, las cosas se habían vuelto repetitivas y monótonas.   No recuerdo bien como pero surgió la idea de tener un algo parecido a un trío HMH, en el cual sería ella quien sostendría relaciones con otro hombre y yo observaría.  Incluso solíamos tener largas conversaciones en las que planeábamos  donde, como y con quien lo haríamos pero nunca llegamos a concretar ninguno de los planes a pesar de algunos intentos.   En retrospectiva, creo que yo lo quería más que ella.

Más tiempo pasó, mucho más, ya me había divorciado de Erika, y con ninguna de las parejas que tuve después surgió el tema hasta que apareció  Helena. Lo chistoso es que me enteré que ella tenia la fantasía de  hacerlo con dos hombres al mismo tiempo, hacerlo todo, hasta que llegado el momento, ambos la penetrasen, uno por delante y el otro por detrás.  La famosa penetración doble de las películas y relatos de juventud.  Creo que sí lo hubiese sabido antes de que termináramos la relación y nos distanciáramos, lo hubiese hecho, incluso en este momento se me prende algo de solo pensarlo.

Así que sí, creo que es algo que todos quienes sienten interés o curiosidad por aquello debiesen probar.  En mi caso, independientemente de quien sea la mujer, creo que sería mejor con un conocido pero no un amigo.  Si es MMH, creo que sería mejor si hay algo entre ellas y se entienden, aunque no se si es la edad, el interés que me genera no es el mismo de antes, me gusta lo mío y como lo hago y creo que los tríos dispersan la intensidad.