The Tree of Life

Venezuelan hottie with giant ass, mullata, selling small crappola on the street, laxed, tired. Light flirting, ended up buying the Tree of Life, I consider it symbolic of my sociopathic choice, of this new life, free of indoctrinated moral values.

Too the money, stole it, kept the poker face. It’s the type of thing I would have never done but the road has taken me here, and now I will choose the road of selfishness and self interest. God help me.

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A lesson that needs to be learned

Not long ago, in October, we had a guest. Pauline. She was a bimbo poser with a Chomsky book. Tattoos. I called her out on her ignorance in a rude and aggressive way, frustrated by her not manifesting IOIs and not falling into my schemata. I was rude, yes.

I have to learn that some people are better left alone when there is indicators that they rather be alone. Nothing to be gained by forcing myself on others. Learn to be subtle, learn to have people enjoy.

I have lingered in her mind, she has written a bad review, but I do not feel I owe her an apology.

 

 

Returning to the Sismic

I wonder if the writing/posting interface has improved. It used to be such a hassle, and I hated the app so much that I have not downloaded it again. I am still not a millionaire but many things have changed. I am not sure of the usefullness of writing as a means to keep an adequate journal.

My interpersonal problems, in particular with my mother, are not simple, but I have read a quote that resonantes: “Your problem is not the problem,  your reaction is the problem”.

Money: she’s paying for my dental care and has made the offer to pay for orthodontics. This is a trap. If I were to accept, then it would be 2 years of having to ask her for the money to pay the installments.

Otherwise. current job yealds just enough to pay the rent for the new house and I have not been able to generate additional income to provide for other expenses, making me still dependant for the USD 200 she gives me. On one hand I think: it’s more than right and proper that she should give this money, but on the other hand it accentuates the dependancy and control.

 I Ching. “How should I deal with money and my mom?”

  • Dynamic Hexagram
  • Primary Hexagram
    • Initial or current state. The Abysmal (water).
      • abyss, audition, crime, danger, ears, learning, listen, recklessness, repetition, vertigo.
      • Reflection: Fear leads to inactivity or to escape. But regular exposure to danger can overcome fear, for better or for worse. The advice of a wise person is invaluable. Reckless acts must be avoided.
      • Changing Lines
        • 6 at the beginning: be careful. Whoever despises danger eventually falls into it.
        • 6 at the top: the right way has been missed. bound with chains at the bottom of a dungeon. Misfortune.
  • Secondary Hexagram
    • Describes an idea or situation in the future or final state. Inner Truth.
      • ability, egg, interior, invulnerability, nucleus, safety, seed, shelter, truth, yolk.
      • Reflection: To understand the essence of something, you must pay attention to it’s expression. When the nucleus is reached everything that flows from it is evident. A great undertstanding can be obtained this way.

 

 

Regina

Regina has deep green eyes and soft brown hair. There was a pause,  a comfortable pause, we both knew what would follow and had to let it build up a little for it to be true. Then she spoke.

        – I’m going to come back.

        – Good for you.

        – You don’t believe me?

        – Sure I do.

        – Thank you.

        – For what?

       –  For helping me.

        – Okay.

        – When I come back I want to buy you a drink.

        – That won’t be necessary.

        – Then let’s go for coffee.

        – Right.

        – I mean it.

       –  I know you do.

        – So? Maybe you can give me your number or something? I don’t think they’ll let me have it if I ask…

        – I think we’re done now.

        – No number?

        – No number.

        – Good bye?

        – Good bye.

She’s 18, got into trouble here and needed repatriation to Germany. I was asked to evaluate her and write up the report for the insurance company. The situation was complicated and required tact and care— she wasn’t easy. All through our first conversation Regina was trying to figure me out, calibrating me, testing me; wanting to know what I wanted to hear, who she needed to be for me to like her. I relaxed and listened; asked a couple of questions, let her do the steering, let her take me for the ride, let her show me how smart she was.  She’s smart, very smart. Knows men and knows how to handle them.

 Last year she spent six months in Spain, living with a boyfriend next to the beach. That boyfriend was 56 years-old. That’s a 38 year age gap.  She smiled, she cajoled, she cried and finally, she was brilliant—just to let me enjoy her cleverness. We talked about violin music and violin players; I had to play catch up but she’d always slowed down if I fell to far back. I knew what she wanted— if, the insurance company could establish she’d knowingly lied to them, it was over, she’d get a tough deal, and would have to pay for all expenses incurred. She needed a break and I let her have it; the Germans would come and pull her out sometime after midnight, I signed the papers. I got a telephone call from a man in Germany; he was brief, I was brief—we both appreciated each other’s brevity.

Maybe she did figure me out.

Friday.Jan.4.2013 – Day in the Life

This week: Lawyers/inheritance/early morning visit/.38/instinct

A notification arrived from another of the unknown sons of my deceased uncle threatening to proceed legally against my mother if she did not hand over the total of the money that is “rightfully” his. The basic problem at hand is that no money is rightfully his since my uncle actually owed my parents, and many others, substantial sums of money. My mother went once again into minor panic and then into denial, choosing to ignore yet another threat by the apparent endless progeny of the deceased man. It also has to do with lawyers. They will throw anything at you just to see if something sticks. We called Ricardo and he wrote up something that addressed the pertinent problems and explained the situation. I said I’d deliver it.

Their house, which is at the beginning of the not so nice part of town, uphill, is large. I got there at 06:50 which is the right time to get people while they’re still unprepared for trouble but already starting to get up or at least thinking about it; besides, you get to know a lot about them by what they’re doing at that time.

His mother was already up; he was still in bed and had to be called down, they have a large dog that liked me, I sat in their living room and drank a glass of Coke that was offered. We talked and agreed to arrange a meeting in the course of the week to further talk it out, this time with their lawyers and both my parents present.

The meeting was held yesterday, our strategy ruined by my mother accusing them in unkind terms of being conniving money grabbing parasites that should instead try working for a living; but all in all it was positive since we managed to reach the beginning of an agreement with their lawyers as to how we will proceed.

Strange thing: just before leaving my apartment I thought of taking a piece. Took the snubnose SP101 .38 out, checked it, loaded the barrel, put it inside its holster, but finally decided to leave it behind. Instinct is trying to tell me something.

Not a petty challenge for me.

I’ve been away from The Aradic Sismic, profligating, climbing, reading, meeting up with people, short travelling, watching movies and, it now seems important, going to the gym.

Writing and learning to write properly is an activity that requires time, patience, introspection, dedication and responsibility towards one’s admitted goals. To become a better writer, it has widely been affirmed, one must dedicate time to the activity itself in sufficient amount as to bring forth an evolution of the writer within into someone producing material worth reading.  This has not been easy since one cannot “do things” and write about them at the same time.

In lieu  of potential quality or written worthiness, I will have to adopt a more informal approach to what is consigned in The Aradic Sismic, opting instead to convert it into a “journal” of sorts were information is to be deposited for future reference. The future, I trust, will benevolently permit the time to sit down and learn the writing craft in a proper manner. For now, the priority is the consignation of “material”, the minutia of everyday occurrence.  The minute documentation of a minute life which is in itself not a petty challenge for me.

Four years seem like a long time…

I’ve been doing things lately. Different things. Some of them exciting or intense, like going out into the mountains in bad weather or starting an affair with a married woman in spite of knowing better; but also more mundane things like catching up on paperwork, reading books and blogs, as well as writing back to old friends.

I had decided to only have friendships with married women because of all the inherent complications that usually ensue if you go further. Sarah has been married for nine years and we met four years ago in work related activities. Hers husband is a jerk and I am in all probability an even bigger jerk, it made sense. We knew something was happening back then but nothing happened in the end since we were very much aware of the inappropriateness of it all. We were both also workaholics that took pride in sleep deprivation and skipping meals. It is also true that back then I was madly in love with Helena and was preparing the ill fated expedition to Guyana, which of course made me solidly faithful to her. Sarah is romantic in an intense and almost existential way, explaining attitudes and actions through what she feels to be love; which is why she found my perceived renouncement to job, predictable income and prestige to go after Helena to be such an admirable action.  I no longer believe in love as a driving force in my life.

Anyhow, while coming out of The Blueberries cafe last week we ran into each other. A coffee appointment was made for a day later. She’s working independently now. A week later I asked her to skip her morning obligations and go moto-riding with me to the countryside. She accepted last minute and we had a good time together. We then rode very fast to get back into the city for her to make it in time to a lunch appointment. She liked that. She texted a week later and asked what I was doing and I answered, “Waiting for you to come over.”  I gave her my address. She came by and I answered the door in a T-shirt and white judo-gi pants.  She understood we weren’t going out and we both stood there looking at each other for a long minute. I pushed her against the wall and kissed her. That’s how that got started. All along I knew it would be trouble but I feel no remorse, four years of wanting someone is a long time. She’s a very fragile woman, strong and delicate; I can feel the weight of her emotions surrounding me when we make love, I can feel them when she tightly closes her arms around my back, as if she was afraid of being swept away by them.