Update on the life for personal posterity.
A sense of vanity seems to pervade the minute documentation of minute lives such as the one presented here before you; day to day routines in search of some higher form of existence, an entrance into the life of the man that should be instead of the man that is. Not a higher self in an altruistic sense, but a more efficient self. At this stage, there is no longer pretense of virtue or redemption through the approval of peers, there is instinct, there is belief. One foot moves forward, the other one then moves in front, one step, two steps, the road is walked upon, a day at a time, yes, that’s how it’s done.
There’s a new lover. Claudia. She’s too young for me and never stops, always trying to move to the next part or thing, always trying to escape unto the next page or song, afraid of growing old if she starts taking it slower, afraid of missing whatever it is that must not be missed. I pin her down, arms held at her side, keep it long and slow, deep, strong, grinding; she opens her eyes and there’s submission in them, almost devotion as she parts her lips and holds my gaze. After, in between, or when we’re getting dressed, she asks questions, she wants to know who I am, she wants to hear about my past, she wants to find a door through which she can step in and learn how to love someone like me. But she can’t; only Erika found that door, and as far as I know, she kept the key.
There’s also a new enemy. The name will not be written down. We had been associates and it has to do with money and respect. Unpaid debts, broken trust and disloyalty. Money, will come and go, it was not the issue of importance at hand. They all know that, approached in the correct manner, I will always consider a renegotiation of terms to save a friendship, but he made me call him and search him out after he missed the deadline. Made me send someone to talk to him. He tried to keep low, out of sight, thinking I’d let it pass, but even feeling his despair I could not let it pass, not after he had failed to be a man about it. I listened to the excuses, weighed them all silently, remained unchanged, and then set new dates. His word was accepted, and so was his apology, but the eyes betrayed him and I felt his fear and hate blaming me for his mistakes. Time will now have to pass, in due time, long after the money is counted and forgotten, he will be made to pay for his disrespect.
The rainy season is over which means its back to the mountains, back to the rock. Yesterday I went to them, placed my hands on the wall, leaned forward and pressed my face against the rock. I closed my eyes and smiled, it feels good to climb again.